Some time ago I wrote about my First Date after lockdown and it all looked positive. Well it didn’t last unfortunately. Here is why and some tips about relationships, so you know when to walk away before things go well and truly pear shaped.
Lay it all out on the table
Knowing what you want and where you want things to go is important to make sure you are on the same page as the person you are seeing. I read a fantastic blog post (I cannot for the life of me remember where I read it) about this very subject and realised I had already done that without even thinking.
I like to put it all out on the table from the start, what I am looking for and the kind of person I am looking for. The truth about it all saves you from some very uncomfortable times further along in your relationship. Trust me when I say you don’t want that because it can cause a lot of heart ache.
A few dates in with this guy, I found out some stuff about him that he had lied to me about, or should I say conveniently not told me. This really bothered me because not only had I been honest with him but the stuff I found out was really concerning about what a potential future with him could look like. When starting a relationship, and all the way through, having an honest flow of communication is absolutely key. No relationship can last if you don’t communicate.
Know your non negotiables
Being in a relationship is all about sharing and compromising but there are always a couple of things that are non negotiable to you when it comes to a relationship. For me, there are 3, faith, marriage and kids. If the guy I am seeing isn’t on the same page as I am on those, there isn’t much of a future there because I won’t bend on them.
Be reasonable when looking at what is important to you when it comes to a relationship. If your non negotiable list is too long, you won’t be able to find a long lasting relationship and will end up unhappy and bitter. There is nothing wrong in knowing what you want but it is important to know that there will never be a person who will tick every single box for you, perfect doesn’t exist (unfortunately).
With this guy, he said all the right things at the start but when I sat down and had an honest conversation with him, he was back tracking and that raised some red flags for me.
Ask yourself, can you live with the things he believes in that differ from your beliefs?
This doesn’t necessary relate to religious beliefs. It can be political beliefs, economical or anything else. Can you live with the ones that vastly differentiate from your own?
In my case on this occasion, my answer was no. The issues arose around his belief in herd immunity when it came to COVID and the pandemic. He has not abode by any of the pandemic and lockdown regulations, is fervently against ALL vaccines (not just the COVID vaccine) and sees the law as ‘The man controlling the people’. These became huge issues for me very quickly because I am a law abiding citizen who agrees the lockdowns were necessary, as unpleasant as they were, and am pro vaccines. There were irreconcilable differences for us and I just couldn’t live with them.
There will always be differences between people, it’s about knowing what you can live with and see past, and what you can’t. My mum always says I am very black and white in the way I see things and I have to agree with her but it is something I am working on and looking to see the things I can compromise on and deal with because the world isn’t black and white and no one is perfect. Wouldn’t it be easier if they were??
Be honest with yourself and know when you need to walk away for the best of both of you
This is such an important and sucky thing to do. When you know in your heart that the relationship isn’t working and you aren’t happy, breaking up with another person is never easy and it never goes well. Someone always ends up upset and invariably the dumpee lashes out at the dumper because they don’t like getting dumped.
There is no easy way to break up with someone. I went kind and caring and still got lashed out at. It’s hard enough being dumped so I made sure to not blame him for everything. I said that we weren’t compatible and we deserve to move on and find the person that is right for us, I couldn’t see a future with him and wanted to be fair about not wasting either of our time. Don’t take their reactions to heart is another thing I learnt because usually what they say comes from a place of hurt and you don’t need that negativity in your life.
Those are just a few things I have found in my relationship experience that have helped me. Comment any tips you have about dealing with a relationship or knowing when to walk away from one, I’d love to learn from your experiences as well!!
Until next time…